| Author |
Woman multiplied by financial needs equals confused boyfriend, the basic math. |
Glimmer
Fleet Admiral
Joined: February 05, 2006
Posts: 54
From: Hertfordshire
|  Posted: 2007-03-05 16:38
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...
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Hawk™
Cadet
Joined: July 22, 2003
Posts: 570
From: Lagtopia, Lag system.
| Posted: 2007-03-05 16:42
Glimmer 4tw.
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Lacrosseian
Fleet Admiral
Raven Warriors
Joined: October 01, 2004
Posts: 1254
| Posted: 2007-03-05 18:13
Old.
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Glimmer
Fleet Admiral
Joined: February 05, 2006
Posts: 54
From: Hertfordshire
| Posted: 2007-03-05 18:16
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
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BackSlash
Marshal
Galactic Navy
Joined: March 23, 2003
Posts: 11183
From: Bristol, England
| Posted: 2007-03-05 19:27
Hahaha
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Leonide
Grand Admiral
Templar Knights
Joined: October 01, 2005
Posts: 1553
From: Newport News, Virginia
| Posted: 2007-03-05 23:31
Quote:
|
On 2007-03-05 16:38, Glimmer wrote:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...
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PWNED!!! LOL
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captain of the ICC Assault Cruiser C.S.S. Sledgehammer
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Glimmer
Fleet Admiral
Joined: February 05, 2006
Posts: 54
From: Hertfordshire
| Posted: 2007-03-06 05:03
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm camp
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrualcycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
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Glimmer
Fleet Admiral
Joined: February 05, 2006
Posts: 54
From: Hertfordshire
| Posted: 2007-03-06 05:33
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely
filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire
wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he
had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the
bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and
actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the
one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to
him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her
in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each
other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things
she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,
gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says......................
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
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icansee
Cadet
Joined: August 02, 2006
Posts: 327
| Posted: 2007-03-06 13:02
LOL this is beyond funny
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Coeus
Grand Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: March 22, 2006
Posts: 2815
From: Philly
| Posted: 2007-03-06 13:10
Chuckle-worthy... not really all that funny though.
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Do I really look like a guy with a plan?
'I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm taking you with me!'
ICC Security Council Chief Enforcer
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.MeLLyMoo.
Cadet
Joined: July 03, 2005
Posts: 90
From: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
| Posted: 2007-03-06 13:18
Some women aren't always like that. Some actually pay attention to how men respond and have an idea as to what they may or may not be thinking. lol.
*points at self* - 90% of my friends are male. Lemme tell ya, you learn a lot.
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Fattierob
Vice Admiral
Joined: April 25, 2003
Posts: 4059
| Posted: 2007-03-06 13:28
Impossible. Everybody knows what the TV shows about men is 100% true.
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.MeLLyMoo.
Cadet
Joined: July 03, 2005
Posts: 90
From: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
| Posted: 2007-03-06 13:32
Maybe you just haven't come across any then 
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Fatal Afro Man *NCO*
Marshal
Fatal Squadron
Joined: September 09, 2006
Posts: 201
| Posted: 2007-03-06 18:10
side splitting.
p.s ur paying 4 the stitches
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-Flipasaurus Wench-
1st Rear Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: August 28, 2002
Posts: 449
From: 44° North, 88° West
| Posted: 2007-03-19 14:15
Oh... My....God...
I just died.
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