| Author |
Ridiculous fan-fic from dj42 |
jedi42
Grand Admiral
Evil Empires Inc.
Joined: February 25, 2002
Posts: 478
From: jedi42
|  Posted: 2007-10-16 00:11
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Aboard K’luth Fleet Admiral L33tKilla’s Frigate, somewhere a few systems outside of Sol:
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Fleet Admiral L33tKilla was pacing rapidly back and forth on the bridge of his frigate, shouting orders about a variety of things, even though they were not in battle. His K’luth crew grew weary of the incessant chatter. Still, they respected his reckless and mystifyingly unusual style of command. He was a Fleet Admiral, after all.
“Ensign, pull up the Nav-Map. Now set a Precision-Target at a random position all the way to the left, about a forty-second jump. Good. Align and jump!”
The Ensign made only one meek effort to question his command—after noticing the jump-line turn red--before being screamed at to “shut [his] pie hole” and do what he “was born to do.” As confusing as this was to the Ensign, he followed orders.
After a few tense moments in-jump, the ship violently dropped to sub-light, sending unseated crewmembers flying from their stations.
“What in the hell has happened here? Why did my ship stop, Ensign?” demanded L33tkilla after looking at the View-Screen. “My God, it’s full of… Beacons!”
The Ensign nervously explained, “Sir, the UGTO planet on the View-Screen has an Interdictor, thankfully, because our course was plotted directly through it. The problem now is that its planetary defense structures are firing and there are two cruiser-class torpedo boats and a beacon-scout headed our way. It would appear we’ve been beaconed way up over 200 sig. Three-hundred G.U. and closing. How shall we proceed?”
“Ensign, evasive maneuvers. Increase speed to maximum. Fire all weapons at the lead ship repeatedly, ignoring distance, energy levels, or effectiveness. Com., send a global distress signal out. Eight times. Rapidly. Wait thirty seconds and do it again. Then send out three requests for supply with the same haste. Now dammit!”
“Sir, you are aware only a single distress sign...”
Cutting him off, Fleet Admiral L33tKilla was visibly irritated with this remark, and screamed that the orders were correct and to continue, “swerving and banging the fire buttons,” and to “evade the torps” where possible.
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Aboard K’luth Grand Admiral dj42’s Drainer, a 35 second jump from L33tKilla’s ship:
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Grand Admiral dj42 was sitting in the Captain’s chair on the bridge. On his last kill he took the commander’s head and fashioned the skull into a cup, which he was taking calculated sips from. The drink was a mixture of equal parts stolen human whiskey and still-warm human blood… his own creation.
“Grand Admiral, I’ve been monitoring the map and the View-Screen for the past few hours, and F.A. L33tKilla has gotten himself snared by a UGTO planetary Interdictor with two torp. cruisers in pursuit.”
“Yes, Ensign, I’m aware of this. He’s been spamming us with distress calls and supply requests. If that fool wasn’t so lucky, his little ****-rocket would be smoldering on the planet’s surface.”
“Let’s go ahead and align to his position, but remain cloaked as I want to observe the behavior of the torp. cruisers.”
“Yes, sir. Permission to speak frankly?”
Grand Admiral dj42 simply nods after swirling and then taking a sip of his K’luth “Wine.”
“I don’t understand why we have taken out this old beat-up Drainer instead of a Hive or Siphon. Surely, something larger and more formidable would be appropriate in a combat situation. After all, you are a Grand Admiral with access to the fleet’s entire inventory.”
“This is my personal ship. I’ve made a few… modifications over the years. For starters, we’ve got an AMJ, AME drives, and two elfs.”
The crew was impressed, eyes widening.
“And, I’ve got three stolen CL2Ks.”
The entire crew gasped. Chemical Laser 2000s were reserved for large human dreadnoughts. To be equipped on a K’luth destroyer was simply remarkable.
“Now, align to -9.4, 2.3, maintain a lock on a position exactly 442 gu in front of the lead attacker. Prepare to uncloak and jump on my mark.”
Grand Admiral dj42 had been watching the torp cruisers carefully. If he landed this jump right, he could fire his CL2ks in quick succession from very close range to diminish the target’s armor quickly, then fire the elfs sapping out energy from the now defenseless cruiser, which would have to slow and break pursuit to regain energy for firing its now dwindling quantity of torpedoes.
“Now,” the ship lunges to hyper-jump, “we will be arriving in precisely 32 seconds. If my calculations were correct, we should drop from hyper-space about 10 G.U. from the strongest attacking torp cruiser. I want you to fire the CL2ks, then the elfs. The elfs always work better after a proper blasting. Then await my command to come about and evade.”
“It’s time to get some fresh blood for my wine.”
[ This Message was edited by: dj42 {C?} on 2007-10-16 00:15 ]
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jedi42, darkjedi42, [drunk], hoid o' toitles, evil, rum, cl2k drainer, gdi, {C?}, hive teets, fusion mating, perfect cloud formation, death star, point jump, tractor scout, torp det, def cluster, cloaked elf
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GothThug {C?}
Fleet Admiral
Joined: June 29, 2005
Posts: 2932
| Posted: 2007-10-16 00:44
l33tkilla? oh my god....10 for sentence structure, 5 for....self preservation....10 for story and 5 for plot....and 6 for...Graphic Description of wine....eww
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Enterprise
Chief Marshal
Raven Warriors
Joined: May 19, 2002
Posts: 2576
From: Hawthorne, Nevada
| Posted: 2007-10-16 04:37
Reserving judgement until further chapters emerge.
-Ent
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